For the Win!

Quarterback Sneak....
Its about a High School Quarterback, Kirk Cedarwood that moonlights as a Private Eye in San Francisco's Tenderloin dist. He gets kicked of the varsity squad after a mix up with the answer key to Mr. Banowitz's math final ending up in his gym locker...(Uh-oh). In order to clear his name in time for the big game (against bitter crosstown rivals the "Bears") Kirk must first swallow his pride and take his licks on the means streets. Will his deep cover be exposed? Or will the kid with the million dollar arm throw a tight spiral into the pit of conspiracy that threatens not only his love for retiring football Coach Donaughy, but win back his precious full ride scholarship to Fresno State?

Analog interweb dating

   The tagline for this gem is "I can't believe I'm buying this book". It should be "I can't believe I'm buying a book about the internet". I have nothing against internet dating but this whole deal doesn't sit well with me. You could easily research this crap on the web if you had access so I can't think of why it exists....oh wait nevermind.
Books like these aren't bought by people new to the world of cyberdorking, but people who are sad that their basement dwelling chud offspring can't seem to handle the complexities of talking to the opposite sex unless they filter it through broadband speeds from the safety of a vampire/elf/fairy avatar.
I get it moms...you raised a social trainwreck and are bummed because the other secretaries at work have well adjusted children who have answered society's call for more suburban turds.
Why not bake a cake and write in frosting detailed instructions on how to microwaving a burrito, or ask your cat for advice on house training your new puppy?
To overbearing children mongering mothers of the  world: knock it off! This book won't help your spinster daughter pause Sex & the city long enough to find a man on some Christian dating  site, nor will it force your 33 year old baby Huey clone, to drop the Xbox controller and latest limited edition mountain dew 2 liter and find some other maladjusted weirdo to splonk out an heir to your royal wedding commemorative plates and complete collection of cat fancy magazines.....

Grand Tour

This dude ran away from home at 11. He bailed on his drunk parents to drift along the West Coast, supporting himself as a ranch hand, surveyor, railroad worker, lumberjack, rodeo cowboy, stuntman, and radio disk jockey. He became buds with Ginsburg and Kerouac before bailing on those poofs and joined the infantry during the Korean war.

He's written a zillion songs and a grundle of rad poetry and looks like the Gordons Fish-stick dude, but sounds like Red Green.

This book came with a poster and rad pictures of Rod in various sweat suits. 

McKuen lives in Southern California with his brother and four cats and has one of the world's largest private record collections. No shit

Dave's Way

Dave Thomas was born an Atlantic City bastard in 1932. That's what they called children born to unmarried women back then (Now they are called Juggalo's). His crap mom dumped him off at an orphanage and he was adopted. His adoptive mom died then he moved around alot with his new fake dad. He dropped out of high school cause he thought his teachers were stupid. When the Korean war kicked off, he bravely enlisted in Army Cook School and spent time in cold war Germany where he fed a bunch of bored peacetime grunts. He came back to the states a hardened veteran, and rather than pull a Rambo and kill Brian Denehey, he became a cook...again.

He became buddies with Colonel Sanders and invented the "Bucket" of Chicken. REALLY. Before Dave came around, KFC was bagging chicken....awesome. Anyways Dave screwed Sanders out of millions and opened a bunch of McBurgerking ripoffs and ego-maniacally forced his way into over 800 commercials (More than any dude, ever). He did some charity crap and was a Freemason.....Pretty neat. 

Class of '88

The Class of '88 SENIOR by Linda Cooney (the author of "Couples") is the fourth installment of a series of shitty books that invisible mutant adolescent girls would laserbeam into their eyeballs while the rest of the world lived worthwhile lives. These books saw favor amongst the claw banged over sized Garfield t-shirters that spent the late 80's serving Orange Julius to Vuarnet wearing jocks hoping to one day save up for a VW Cabriolet. The story centers around teens with "real problems" like hairy foreamed dads that refuse to shell out for a limo on prom night, and catty girls who lie about thier college of choice in order to psych out their best freinds so they can have the mulleted quaterback all to themselves.

Verdict: Scholastic Book Club Fail
Sentence: Cat Lady Lifedom

P.S In 1992 a Linda Cooney put 3 .357 rounds into the chest of her tax attorney ex-husband, and was charged with first degree murder. Read more: http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/1993-05-02/news/9302090453_1_divorce-records-child-support-divorce-petitions