Bush Warfare

They call him...the MERCENARY!!!!

I call him......Generic Burt Reynolds with an eyepatch

Swamp Douche

This book has a lot going for it right off the bat. Fake Rambo? Check! Random dude with a cuttoff t-shirt destroying a tank with a bazooka? Check! Mutants? Check!

What more could you possibly want from a book? I wonder if the hardback version was bound with beef jerky instead of leather. I could never force myself to read this because I've seen every shitty Tom Berenger/Dolph Lundgren/Brian Bosworth movie ever made....

I'm guessing its about some lone wolf type dude who's probably really sparse on conversation and has a troubled past. Blah blah blah...then one day the Earth goes to Hell and Swampy has to kill a whole lotta mutants and people so that he can go back to his miserable existence consisting of making hammocks out of vines and rasslin' gators...

Homo-Erotic-Post-Apocalyptic-Word-Porn

High-Speed Testical Crushing!!!

John La Tourette is the self described "Speed Master" and this is his second installment of the not popular "Secrets of American Kung Fu." John holds a PhD from Columbia Pacific University, an institution that was shut down for fraud by the state of California in 2000.

Besides touting a super sketchy PhD, he claims to have in his possession the secrets of kahuna magic (Ancient Hawaiian Mysticism), and will, for a fee, pass unto you ways to heal disease and accumulate wealth. Oh yeah, dudes also a 10th degree black-belt.

Some say he's a snake oils salesman, while his followers talk about him like he's some Jesus/Chuck Norris hybrid. I think hes somewhere in the middle but if ya HAD to choose a life coach why not go with the guy who can punch a man in the face 8 times in a 1/4 of a second...

Feed me until CPS takes me away!!!

Vicki Lansky's popular baby manual is a thrilling read which captivates the reader from Jump Street.Vicki is an accomplished author who's books have sold over 6 million copies and have been translated into over 2 languages. Shes been on Oprah (who's childless), Rosie O'Donell (who should be), and the 700 club.

Some titles include "Microwave Cooking for Kids", and "Taming the C.A.N.D.Y Monster." In her most famous work "Feed Me, I'm Yours" she describes how to properly feed an infant................................................................................................through the mouth.

   

Don't like the idea of listening to an overweight, divorced woman for parenting advice? Then congratulations.....you may one day raise an upright fully functioning productive member of society...

And what the Hell is with the "No Escape" poster in the back?

Blamurai!!!

Black Samurai no. 7 (Sword of Allah) by Marc Olden is a heartwarming tale of Robert Sand, a rescued military servicemember who must do battle with a terrorist organization with ties to the oil trade and a corrupt right wing American senator............snooze. Think Karate Kid meets John Rambo.....sounds cool on paper, and when written on paper and read with eyeballs turns to crap.....

For the Win!

Quarterback Sneak....
Its about a High School Quarterback, Kirk Cedarwood that moonlights as a Private Eye in San Francisco's Tenderloin dist. He gets kicked of the varsity squad after a mix up with the answer key to Mr. Banowitz's math final ending up in his gym locker...(Uh-oh). In order to clear his name in time for the big game (against bitter crosstown rivals the "Bears") Kirk must first swallow his pride and take his licks on the means streets. Will his deep cover be exposed? Or will the kid with the million dollar arm throw a tight spiral into the pit of conspiracy that threatens not only his love for retiring football Coach Donaughy, but win back his precious full ride scholarship to Fresno State?

Analog interweb dating

   The tagline for this gem is "I can't believe I'm buying this book". It should be "I can't believe I'm buying a book about the internet". I have nothing against internet dating but this whole deal doesn't sit well with me. You could easily research this crap on the web if you had access so I can't think of why it exists....oh wait nevermind.
Books like these aren't bought by people new to the world of cyberdorking, but people who are sad that their basement dwelling chud offspring can't seem to handle the complexities of talking to the opposite sex unless they filter it through broadband speeds from the safety of a vampire/elf/fairy avatar.
I get it moms...you raised a social trainwreck and are bummed because the other secretaries at work have well adjusted children who have answered society's call for more suburban turds.
Why not bake a cake and write in frosting detailed instructions on how to microwaving a burrito, or ask your cat for advice on house training your new puppy?
To overbearing children mongering mothers of the  world: knock it off! This book won't help your spinster daughter pause Sex & the city long enough to find a man on some Christian dating  site, nor will it force your 33 year old baby Huey clone, to drop the Xbox controller and latest limited edition mountain dew 2 liter and find some other maladjusted weirdo to splonk out an heir to your royal wedding commemorative plates and complete collection of cat fancy magazines.....